Monday, July 15, 2013

Should I Lend My Boyfriend Money? Part 2

Besides robots, who reads blogs?

Robots troll my blog.  They spam my blog for the same reasons they spam email:  to spread malware, mine email addresses, or get me to visit commercial websites.  At least 10% of my loyal readers are robots.  Most of the other strangers who accidentally find my blog are people who worry about lending money.  My blog statistics show that at least 10 people a day from all over the world, find their way to my blog by typing phrases like these into Google:
  • lend money to boyfriend
  • should I lend my boyfriend money
  • boyfriend borrows money from me
  • boyfriend keeps asking for money
  • do you lend your partner money
  • have you lent money to your friends with benefits
  • is it okay to lend my boyfriend money
  • boyfriend borrowing money
  • feel uncomfortable giving boyfriend money
  • boyfriends that ask for money
I posted the blog "Should I Lend My Boyfriend Money" almost two years ago, but it was fluff.  When I saw how many people were seeking answers to that question, I made some specific suggestions about what to say; however, I find the whole issue unsettling.

Money-lending has always been a delicate issue, but it's particularly delicate when your romantic partner (male or female) wants your money.  Why?  What's up?  Why are they asking Google?  Why are you 100% willing to have sex with your boyfriend (or girlfriend), but feel uncomfortable about lending the love object money?

Obviously (to me) when people ask Google the money question, it's not so much about money as it is about confidence, courage, and commitment.


Let me get back to sex for a moment.
  • The only math involved in sex is 1 + 1
  • You are hungry for sex.
  • It is potentially more collaborative.  
  • There is mutual give and take.  
  • You feel cherished and appreciated.
On the other hand,
  • Lending money will involve lots of math, mostly subtraction.
  • You are not usually hungry for lending money.
  • It is collaborative when you both spend money on shared goals, not when your partner borrows it for his own goals.
  • Lending money is only give on your part and take on the other person's.
  • You might feel briefly appreciated.  You also might feel a little dirty.
So let's reframe "Should I lend my boyfriend money?" in terms of the real questions being asked:

Do I have CONFIDENCE in this relationship?
Do I have confidence in my own worth?
Do I have confidence in my own instincts and judgement?  Will my loan genuinely get this person through a temporary bad patch, or am I setting up a long relationship of dependency?

Do I have the COURAGE to risk being dumped or resented over the money question?
Do I have the courage to have dreams and save my money so I can pursue my dreams?
Do I have the courage to stand up for myself?
Do I have the courage to ask for a shared vision of our lives together?

And finally, are the two of us equally COMMITTED to this relationship or
     am I mostly committed to doing anything necessary to avoid facing my core loneliness?

If you know in your heart that lending him money will only prop up your illusion of a relationship for one more week, until he asks again, find a way to say no.  Some suggestions are here.

Harsh, maybe, and there are many exceptions to the picture presented above - but if you are one of the hundreds of people who found your way to this blog by Googling "Should I Lend My Boyfriend Money?" -- then this one's for you.

1 comment:

  1. I am impressed by anyone who can talk about 10% of the people who come to her website.

    Money lasts forever.
    Sex lasts for thirty seconds though people have called me a "one minute wonder" (I hate to brag).

    ReplyDelete