Thursday, July 23, 2015

What Do You Need in a Relationship? Besides "Love."

Here's my top five things:

1.  EMOTIONAL CLOSENESS:
     Do I feel heard and understood?

2.  FUN:
     Do I have fun with you?

3.  TRUST:
     Are you a safe harbour where I can moor my boat?
     Is it safe to come home?
     Will I be nurtured and cared for?

4.  PHYSICAL CLOSENESS:
     Is my body accepted and loved by you?
     Is a hug or cuddle available or withheld?
     Are my physical needs validated or mocked?

5.  RESPECT:
     Do you respect my concerns or devalue them?

These components are provided in varying degrees at various times.  We might prefer 100% of these all the time, but we find we can be happy with some other percent.  Some days, we are only able to give 70% ourselves.

What are your desired components?

What do you give?

Ask your partner.  It might be a scary conversation, but it seems like a genuine one and might keep you from being blindsided by some imagined dissatisfaction down the road.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Is the Universe Indifferent, Part 2


Early yesterday morning, I was driving down a ramp running past this church heading towards the highway.  A deer came bounding across the highway ahead of me.  I was still going slow and able to stop (and luckily the guy behind me stopped too). I know this happens all the time in New Jersey, but it had never happened to me here.

If in my delusional subjectivity , I believed the universe was sending me a message, it would be this:  You can live in two worlds: the forest and the city, and occasionally the creative natural part of you can leap up and STOP TRAFFIC, if you have to.

Or maybe the message from the universe is simply, "Lil, like this friggin' deer, you are LOST.  Figure out where home is and where you can be safe and go there."

Jewish philosopher, Richard Rubenstein wrote:  "We stand in a cold, silent, unfeeling cosmos unaided by any purposeful power beyond our own resources."  I'm inclined to agree, but the universe gives us so much, so much.  

It's fun to imagine it is a sentient, engaged universe sending me mysteries to unravel. What messages do you get from the universe?

Saturday, July 18, 2015

What Does It Mean to Face Your Problems?

Wouldn't it be easier to avoid facing one's problems?  Even suffering is easier than facing one's problems -- for a while.  Eventually we put on our big girl or big boy pants and deal with things.  Here's a poem I wrote on the topic in 2005 about things that had happened years earlier.  Here it is years later and there are still many things that need facing - probably always will be.

FACING IT

 "Maybe you never get over anything. You just find a way of carrying it as gently as possible."  -- Bronwen Wallace
 
Facing it is deciding not to wipe blood off the floor
Well, not so much deciding, as letting it sit there, declaring itself.

          Facing it is sitting alone, 
          watching your 8-year-old play baseball
          in a park on a sunny day
          And when she makes her way around the bases, you think
                   If this is as good as it gets –
                   This is pretty good.

          Facing it is saying to a new lover,
          “What makes your life meaningful?”
          And if he says, “My gun collection,”
          disarming him with a smile
          and cancelling the next date.

          Facing it is seeing it in others
          – an isolated student or neighbour
          entombed in anger
          on the verge of explosion.
          So you listen, just listen – 
           a candle in a cave.

          Then facing it is writing it
          telling it
          to yourself, to another
          to the world.

          Facing it is accepting it
          with compassion and grace
          letting your heart grow wider

          and eventually
          scrubbing the blood off the floor
          packing up and moving on
                   and carrying it with you,
                     . . . gently

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Did You Hear What I Didn't Say?

I teach active, empathic listening to grad students.  Many of them are highly skilled, multi-talented computer scientists from universities around the globe.
Image result for stressed coworker
Team member's stress
When we listen accurately, everyone benefits.  We can better understand
  • our client's needs
  • our supervisor's instructions
  • our team member's stress.
Showing awareness of unspoken feelings can hasten connection and problem-solving in difficult situations.

Empathic listening might involve guessing at a person's underlying feelings and tentatively reflecting those feelings back.  Since our emotional vocabulary might be limited to Seseme Street feelings, I provide students with lists of emotions and ask them to identify the feelings they have had in the last day, week, or month.

After the students learn and roleplay  responding with empathy, I  pull troubling statements out of a bag and go around the circle, asking each student to respond to a different statement.  These are all real statements that people have said to me.



  1. Young adult:  “I hate it when my parents’ friends ask me what I’m going to do with my life.  I don’t know what I want to do yet and they really want me to know.”
  2. Friend:  “I spilled coffee on my keyboard.  Fried everything."
  3. Friend:  “My mom’s in the psycho ward.  She tried to overdose."
  4. Friend:  "My husband's so depressed, he hung a noose from a rafter in the hall.  Every day when I come home, I climb up on a ladder and cut it down.  The next day, it's up again."
The exercise is hard, but particularly hard for some of my foreign students.  Maybe they can't imagine that there is an underlying, unspoken feeling, and probably, the exercise makes no sense to them.

After my last workshop.  I asked one of my students how he felt about the class.
"It was interesting," he said.
"If one of your friends back home told you about a personal problem, what's the first thing you would say?" I asked.
"I'd say, 'thank you,' to my friend."
"Thank you?"
"It's so unusual," he said, "for someone to tell me a problem that I'd say thank you to them - thank you for trusting me with the problem."
 Thank you, my student for giving me that information. It will help me teach this unit. 

Possible Answers
Seriously, there's no "right" answer.  Just try to imagine what the other person is going through and reflect it back.  Read their body language if you can.  This response is just a first step in a longer conversation.  Also, be mindful of really really bad stuff and let your response reflect that awareness.
1.  "That must be embarrassing for you - to not be able to give them an answer."
2.  "Oh crap!! That's awful.  You must feel so mad at yourself."
3.  "You must be so shocked and worried."
4.  "Maybe he's trying to tell you something."   -- no just kidding, that would be a terrible response -- How about, "You must be afraid to go home."  or  "It sounds like you are feeling completely helpless."

(I want to cry thinking of these examples.  Please, shoot me an empathic response.)


Sunday, July 12, 2015

Did You Hear What I Said? Part Two

I once taught a workshop at a national research institute for fuel cell innovation. The health and safety inspectors had put the institute on notice for bad and dangerous communication. They had to work towards correcting the problem. The institute employed scientists from around the world.  I taught workshops on listening.  They explained the problem and invited me to the site.
My workshop was called: Chicken Soup for the Inner Ear: Effective Listening in a Diverse Community.

It appeared that due to language and cultural differences, safety rules were not being heard and understood. While everyone spoke English, there was a good chance that they were also translating in their heads and something might be lost in the translation.  There were also cultural differences. 
"Imagine an expert is explaining a safety procedure," I said, "and you are not 100% sure that you understand.  It would be a good idea to say, 
  • Please explain that again or 
  • What do you mean by . . .? or 
  • Can I repeat back my understanding of this?"
One person said, "I could not do that. It is considered rude in my culture."

We did some roleplaying and discovered a workaround, so that politeness would not lead to them being BLOWN UP by volatile chemicals.

There were about 25 scientists and engineers in the workshop. I was wondering how well they listened to one another, so we did this exercise:

I asked them to explain their job to the person next to them. The next person would have to repeat back in their own words what the first person's job was.

As we began this exercise, it quickly became obvious that rather than hearing what the person was saying, the listener interpreted it or translated it and said it back  inaccurately.  As we did this, the class became more engaged and invested.  They gradually realized that if there were so many misunderstandings and misinterpretations in this simple exercise, things might be going very badly in more complicated, technical conversations.

The company is still standing.  The only thing that has exploded so far is the myths they carried of being good communicators.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Is There Still "Service" in Customer Service? Answer: SEND ME A GUY

TUESDAY, July 7, 2015
    Due to a sudden personal crisis, I had been unable to sleep for several nights.  I was a zombie, and, stumbling into the day, I knocked coffee all over my computer.

    I looked up Dell on Get a Human and phoned.

    In the past, getting a human at Dell has taken HOURS -- hours and hours filled with oceans of hurt. I'd have to book a day off to get help from Dell.
    But this time a human immediately confirmed that I had a warranty until 2018 and connected me quickly to another human.  Let's call her Saffron. 
    Saffron said, "Pack up your computer and mail it to us."
    I said, "SEND ME A GUY."
    She tried to do several diagnostics, I pressed F2, F12, start, restart.  She wasn't getting the information she needed.  I said: "SEND ME A GUY."
    She said, "I can't send you a guy until I know what parts to send him. If you mail it to us, then we'll have all the parts available."
    I said, "SEND ME A GUY."
    She said, "He might have the wrong parts. He might have to make several trips."
    I said, "SEND ME A GUY."
    She said she'd order some parts and send me a guy, and then sent me this personal email: 
    "I enjoyed working with you today on your coffee spill issue. I have included your service request and dispatch information below. Please be sure to contact me immediately if you do not hear from the onsite technician by noon tomorrow morning."

    WOW.

    WEDNESDAY, July 8, 2015

    I hadn't heard from the guy so I sent an email to Saffron at 9:46 a.m.
    Within an hour, she wrote back saying, "I just checked the status, it looks like the technician does not have the part yet. He will reach out once he picks up the part. I’ll keep you posted."
    Around 2:00 p.m., the guy phoned and said the parts were in and he was on his way over.
    The guy, Correy, arrived.  He looked at my computer and said, "OY GEVALT!!" -- this is a Yiddish expression, that I wasn't expecting to hear from a techy.  Correy was amazing.  They had sent him what seems to be the Standard COFFEE-WINE Repair Kit. It had a new motherboard, a new keyboard, a new USB port, and other goodies. 
    By 4:00 p.m. -- 30 hours after the spill -- my computer was up and running. I am guessing that if I had mailed it to Dell, I'd still be waiting.
    I wrote Saffron about the great service.  She wrote back saying this:
    "I’m glad to hear you were pleased with the service!! You can always reach out to me with any other issues. It was a pleasure assisting you!"
    (The exclamation marks are hers.)
    Correy gave me his cell # and told me to contact him anytime.  He said, "You have the complete care warranty. You can throw the computer off the roof of your house and we'll fix it."

    It's a brave, new world of customer service.
    My new mantra:  "Send me a guy."

    Monday, June 22, 2015

    What Would You Do If There Were No "Adults"?

    I am on an island.  There are no adults.  



    My thoughts soon turn to Lord of the Flies, by William Golding, and the 1963 film that so traumatized us in high school.

    During the bombing of England, schoolboys were evacuated.  Their plane is shot down and the boys find themselves on an island.

    In the beginning, they try to organize themselves and light a fire to signal adults who will surely be looking for them.  They vote Ralph to be their leader, as Ralph has the conch.

    Order quickly breaks down though and the fire goes out.  A breakaway sect forms and most of the boys follow Jack, and the gang of hunters.

    By the time the adults do show up, Simon, mistaken for "the beast," has been savagely attacked and killed; Piggy has been crushed to death by a boulder; and Ralph is running for his life.

    Why can't they all just get along?  There's an island with enough food for all.  It's beautiful and the weather is great.

    What happens is this:  the bullies take over the island.

    Why do they make us read Lord of the Flies in high school?  They want us to remember this:
    • You better listen to your parents and teachers.  If there were no adults the bullies will steal your glasses and eventually kill you.
    • Without adults, might is stronger than right.
    • Bullies will wreck every paradise (paradise = life itself).  They don't need a reason and even if you try to do the right thing, it won't help.


    Perhaps, finally, we are made to read it to invoke us to find an inner adult and give that adult a moral compass to help us find the way.

    Do they still teach Lord of the Flies?

    What would you do if there were no adults?

    Sunday, June 21, 2015

    Do You See Your Life as a Story?


    A student of literature is soon taught to see all travel stories as allegorical journeys.

    An allegory is a story ostensibly about one thing, but also about something else:  a symbolic journey that occurs in progressive stages.

    Since the story is a journey, it often has a beginning and an end.

    Since the story is an allegory, the end signals a new beginning.

    Memorable journeys of literature include


    Dante begins his journey
    ·                     the journey from slavery in Egypt to freedom in Canaan, a land seen as  home for the Biblical Israelites, a journey of 40 years
    ·                     the journey of Odysseus from the great mistake that was the Trojan War back home to Ithaca, a journey of 10 years
    ·                     the journey of Dante, who finds himself in a dark wood in the middle of his life, then travels from the Inferno to Paradiso and to an understanding of "the love which moves the sun and the stars," a journey of 32,000 words
    ·                     the journey of Dorothy Gale, a rebellious child betrayed by adults, to Oz and eventually back home to Kansas, a film journey of 102 minutes


    Along the way, these characters are tested again and again.  The tests reveal to them their deepest selves and the strength of their spirits.

    If you see your life as a story, later on, you will see the tests you faced along the way - sometimes known as milestones:  first step, first word, first love, first job.

    Eventually you will find your way to a home in the world you've created for yourself.
    We shall not cease from exploration
    And the end of all our exploring 
    Will be to arrive where we started 
    And know the place for the first time.
                                from "Little Gidding," T. S. Eliot



    Saturday, June 20, 2015

    How Do You Start Again?


    Start what?

    Image result for messy breakup1.  Dating after a messy breakup?

    2.  School after several years working?

    3.  Exercising after a sedentary period?

    4.  Gardening after the winter?

     or - - um - - shift feet nervously, bite lip -- 

    5.  Blogging after a ten-month absence?

    There might be minor differences among these five items, but ultimately, the main thing is to start.  Fall down.  Get up slowly.  Check for bruises.  Heal.  Start again.  And again.  Don't spend a second reading cheesy quotations about resilience.  Just get started.

    And so I have.

    But first I checked a cheesy website about starting exercise after stopping.  I wonder if their tips can be applied to blogging (or dating).

    1.  Don't break the habit.  I'm only reading this because I did.

    2.  Reward showing up.  Blogging is its own reward.  It's a chance to consider new ideas, share, and sometimes begin new conversations.

    3.  Commit for 30 days.  Excellent idea, and exactly the length of Ramadan.

    4.  Make it fun.  Note:  Fun is subjective.  Thoughtful reflection can be massively fun.

    5.  Schedule during quiet hours.  Essential for blogging.  It's presently 6:30 a.m.

    6.  Get a buddy.  Perhaps, as long as the buddy is also quietly writing.  Read to each other before posting.

    7.  X your calendar.  I can do that.

    8.  Create a ritual.  I might have to do that, given my goal of writing for 30 days.

    The rest of the 15 tips to restart an exercise routine don't seem relevant.  I checked a website on how to start dating and the final rule was, "Be brave."  Good advice for any endeavour.

    The main thing is to start again.  And again.  And again.

    How do you start again?  Is there anything you do to help you get going?